Offend Anyone In One Minute

Here are some amazing secrets on how to offend anyone, including friends or family. These secrets are guaranteed to work any time and all the time. Take these simple facts and destroy any relationship fast. It may take two or three different methods, but the results are guaranteed to work.

Step one: Speak you mind. Use the first words you think of, don't replace any words, don't pull any punches, don't rephrase any of your thoughts, present them raw. It helps to interrupt the other person when you do this.

Step Two: Think about what is best for you. You are first. You are more important than they are, who cares if they think the same thing. Always take advantage of every situation. Put your opinion first, you stories first, your schedule first, this hurts people in a hurry.

Step Three: Lie, and lie often. This undermines trust, and when people can't trust you they simply can't continue the relationship. There is no hope of friendship without trust. If you hold all the cards in the deck to yourself, that leaves none for them to play with.

Step Four: Talk behind people's back. Wait until they are not around, and then say negative things. Plant seeds of doubt in other people's minds about the person. Question people's good deeds. Read into people's words things they didn't mean to say. Bring up weaknesses and faults. Repeat anything negative you heard. Definitely put it on Facebook.

Step Five: Be close-minded. Don't look at anything from anyone else's point of view. Never put yourself in their shoes. Refuse to discuss things rashly. Be impatient and rude. Tell them their ideas are totally ridiculous.

Obviously all of this is satirical, but isn't this the way we do things naturally. Christians find that they have to put to death the flesh, that we can't act in the manner we “feel” like acting. Rather we have to sacrifice and consider others as better than ourselves. (Philippians 2:3,4) But treating people the way we would like to be treated we make friends, maintain friendships, and grow deep together.